One Hundred Ways to Kill Dietlinde Eckhart
by Darth Unagi
Summary: A collection of 100 oneshots, each with Eckhart dying in a ridiculous and painful fashion. Go ahead. Click on it. You know you want to. ON HIATIS UNTIL MY COMPUTER STOPS BEING BROKEN.
1. The Joys of String Cheese

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

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Dietlinde Eckhart was hungry. _Very _hungry. Which was understandable, as she hadn't really eaten anything substantial in a few days. So she made her way downstairs to the kitchen, and from there, to the refrigerator.

She eyed its contents. Yogurt? No. Ham? No. Pig brains? Definitely not. And then she saw it.

String cheese!

She took the bag of cheesy goodness out of the fridge and sat down at the table. Taking a stick from the bag, she admired the golden-yellow exterior of the string cheese. She bent it back, and then let go. It bounced slightly, but didn't break. What a lovely invention.

Smirking, Eckhart began pulling the cheese apart. But as she raised the strip to her mouth, she stopped. It was just so _pretty_. Why not play with it some more?

Then she got an idea.

The insane Nazi woman began tying each section of string cheese together, forming a single two-foot long piece. After tying the ends together, she slipped the loop over her head. She had done it.

She had constructed the most beautiful string cheese necklace in history.

_Something this amazing_, thought Eckhart, _must be shown to my subordinates!_

Getting up from the table, she skipped over to the fridge and put the bag of string cheese away. But then something happened.

Something awful.

Well, actually, it was something wonderful. Something that made babies stop crying. Something that made even the most miserable people in the world sing the most joyful tunes. And something that made the authoress want to jump up and dance.

Eckhart closed the refrigerator door on her string cheese necklace.

As she turned, it twisted around her neck, rendering her unable to move and depriving her of oxygen.

And seconds later, she was dead. Which is how it should be.

END

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If there's a particular way you'd like to see Eckhart die, feel free to tell me and I'll try to include it in later chapters!


	2. Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

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Dietlinde Eckhart groggily opened her eyes. Sunlight shone through the blinds, dimly illuminating the room. The chirping of birds rang through her ears like a really annoying fire alarm.

Slowly, she sat up, stretched and yawned, and got out of bed. She then made her way to the bathroom, where she looked into the mirror and...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!"

...died.

END

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For a future chapter, I'll be including cameos of anyone who wants to be in it! Ed and/or Envy fangirls are highly encouraged! Just give a brief description of yourself, anything you might want to say to Eckhart before you kill her, and your weapon of choice! (This is gonna be fun.) 


	3. Beware of Active Volcanoes

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

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Dietlinde Eckhart was enjoying a nice, relaxing, completely undeserved vacation in Hawaii. At the moment, she was taking a tour of Volcano National Park.

As the guide droned on about the park's history, Eckhart peered down into the heart of the volcano.

_Wouldn't want to fall in there_, she thought with a shudder.

As if someone had read her mind and was deliberately trying to contradict her thoughts, a voice behind her said, "Wouldn't it be hilarious if someone fell in there?"

Eckhart turned to see another member of the tour group: a young girl, dressed head to toe in black. As she approached the leader of the Thule Society, she smiled. It was not a friendly smile.

"Not really, no." Eckhart replied uneasily. This kid creeped her out. A lot.

The girl kept smiling. "That's too bad."

Eckhart swallowed. "And why is that?"

"Because," said the girl, pulling a sheet of paper from her pocket, "you're about to fall in."

"Wha...!"

The girl held up the paper for Eckhart to see. It read: _And then, falling through the gap in the railing, Eckhart took the plunge to her fiery death._

Fearing for her life, Eckhart took a step back, tripping over a jutting rock in the process. She reached out to grab the railing, hoping it would break her fall. But her hand closed on nothing but air.

And then, falling through the gap in the railing, Eckhart took the plunge to her fiery death.

The authoress stared into the volcano for several minutes. Then, laughing maniacally, she left to get a pina colada smoothie from Portillo's.

END

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Pluto is ruled by talking muffins. 


	4. Red Bull Gives You Wings!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Red Bull, or Seven Eleven.

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The sun beat heavily down on Eckhart as she walked. It must have been over one hundred degrees outside. Feeling like her insides were boiling, she hurried to the nearest Seven Eleven to buy herself a drink.

When she arrived there, the only thing they had left was a single can of Red Bull. She would have preferred water, but she was so thirsty she didn't care. She quickly paid for the energy drink and headed back outside. As soon as she got out the doors, she popped the lid off the can and drank the entire thing.

Eckhart suddenly felt a strange tingling sensation down her spine.

_What the heck is going on? _she thought worriedly.

Then the tingling turned to pain. It was as if there were knives stuck in her back. She collapsed on the ground, screaming in agony.

Then, without warning, a pair of white, feathery wings burst out of Eckhart's back.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!" she screamed.

Several people turned around and stared at her. A little girl cried out, "Look, Mommy! A bird-man!"

A crowd began to gather around Eckhart, whispering excitedly. Before long a team of scientists had arrived.

"Amazing!" the head scientist exclaimed. "What an extraordinary discovery! A human being with wings! Whoever would've thought? Of course, she'll be brought in immediately for testing."

At this, the other scientists approached Eckhart. Her face grew pale.

"No!" she yelled. "I won't come with you!"

The head scientist put on his best friendly smile and said, "Don't worry, everything's going to be alright. We're just going to perform a few tests, that's all."

"NO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" Eckhart instinctively began flapping her wings as hard as she possibly could. She felt her feet leave the ground. The throng of bewildered people below her was getting smaller and smaller. Soon she was soaring miles above the clouds.

She smiled. No one could touch her.

"I AM DIETLINDE ECKHART! I AM GOD! SOON EVERYONE WILL BOW TO **ME**! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...huh?!"

A large metallic disc had appeared out of nowhere. Numerous grey-skinned, large eyed creatures stared out through a viewport.

Eckhart just hovered there, dumbfounded.

One of the aliens leaned over and said something to another one, who nodded and pushed a button. A red beam of light shot out from the flying saucer and hit Eckhart's wings, disintegrating them.

Eckhart plummeted five hundred trillion feet, landing with a SPLAT in the middle of a very busy highway.

END

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I'd like to thank my friend Bethany for giving me the idea for this chapter, as well as all the other great suggestions. 


	5. Cliffy Thing! YAY!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

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Eckhart gazed out at the great expanse that was the Grand Canyon. It was absolutely stunning. She felt as if she were on top of the world! She was so at peace; nothing bad could possibly happen while she was standing there.

Except, maybe, some random kid running up and pushing her off the cliff.

But what were the odds of that happening?

Suddenly, and completely unexpectedly, a tall, brown-haired girl ran up and pushed Eckhart off the cliff.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!" she screamed as she fell; but her cries of terror were silenced when her skull cracked open on the hard rock, leaking blood and brain matter everywhere.

Her carcass was then devoured by a flock of hungry vultures.

END

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Meep. 


	6. RIP Sparky

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

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Eckhart joyfully hopped in through the door. "Sparky!" she called. "Sparky, I'm home!" She set down her groceries and ran to check on her pet goldfish, whom she loved very dearly. In fact, he was probably the only thing that cold-hearted bitch ever loved.

Anyway, everyday when Eckhart returned from work and/or shopping (as it had been that day) she would greet her beloved Sparky, who would go so far as to leap out of the water, overjoyed to see his owner (He's _happy _to see Eckhart? Jeez. Her insanity must have rubbed off on him.).

But today, something was wrong.

Eckhart hurried to Sparky's bowl, expecting him to jump about and splash around as he always did. But he did not. He just stayed there, unmoving.

"Sparky...?" Eckhart pressed her face to the glass. Her voice shook with worry. "Sparky?!"

But no matter how many times she called his name, the fish would not move.

Eckhart became frantic. She ran around the room in circles, yelling: "No! Sparky! Don't leave me! No! He can't be dead! There's still time! But what's wrong with him?! What could possibly be wrong with him?!" Then a lightbulb went off in her head. Not literally, of course.

"He must be drowning!" With this new realization Eckhart ran back to the fish bowl. "He needs CPR!" But rather than taking the goldfish out of the water, as would have been the smart thing to do (not that there's any smart way to administer CPR to a fish), she dunked her entire head into the bowl.

And then found that she could not get it out.

She tugged and tugged, but Sparky's bowl was lodged firmly on her head. She tried to call for help, but nothing but bubbles escaped her mouth.

As Eckhart's lungs filled with water and her vision grew dark and blurry, one thought crossed her mind: _I'm coming, Sparky._

END

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Wow. It got kind of sentimental there at the end, didn't it? There's nothing like the bond between a Nazi whore and her goldfish. 


	7. Microwave Plus Gasoline Equals Bad

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

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Life was excruciatingly boring for Dietlinde Eckhart. She had been sitting there chewing on her pen for the past three hours. There was just nothing else to do.

Or was there?

Eckhart glanced at a floor lamp that stood a few feet away. She got up and switched the light on. Then she turned it off again.

On.

Off.

On.

Off.

Onoffonoffonoffon!

Eckhart giggled like the two year-old that she wasn't. She shut off the lamp once more. Then she unscrewed the lightbulb from its socket. She glanced at the microwave.

Now, I bet you can take a pretty good guess at where this is going. Go ahead. Guess. In the meantime, I'll sing a little song in spirit of the holidays:

_Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh! HEY! Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle all the—_

"GET BACK TO THE DAMN STORY!!!" The readers, extremely pissed off at the interruption (and even more pissed off at the horrible singing), proceeded to beat the authoress to a pulp.

Ouch.

Anyway, Eckhart walked into the kitchen and opened the microwave. She peered inside and grimaced. The walls were splattered with month-old spaghetti and oatmeal. It smelled like a garbage dump. She would have to clean it.

She reached into a cabinet and pulled out what she thought was cleaning fluid. Of course, if she had bothered to read the large red letters written across the front of the bottle, she would have realized that it was gasoline. Oh well.

Eckhart squeezed a few drops of "cleaning fluid" onto a rag and began thoroughly scrubbing the interior of the microwave. When she was finished, she retrieved the lightbulb and placed it inside. She then set the timer for thirty seconds on high and pressed the start button.

Immediately, the lightbulb began to glow different colors. It fluctuated from pink to green to purple. Eckhart got closer, pressing her nose against the door. She stared in awe as the flashing lights grew brighter and brighter. She was so entranced that she didn't even notice when the microwave started smoking.

The lightbulb-plasma was glowing so brightly that it was blinding. Smoke continued to pour from the corners of the microwave. And then...

**BOOM!**

The lightbulb, the microwave, and Eckhart's face exploded into oblivion.

END

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Remember, kids: Never put gasoline and lightbulbs in a microwave. Grapes are okay, though. 


	8. Happy Valentine's Day!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

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Valentine's Day. A time of joy, giving cards and candy, and, most importantly, expressing love. 

Eckhart hated every minute of it.

It was pointless; just a commercialized ploy to get people to spend their money on flimsy pieces of cardboard with cheesy sayings on them. Besides, it wasn't as if anyone was going to give her anything, so why bother?

Eckhart had just flopped into an armchair and begun reading _Evil Dictatorship for Dummies _when the doorbell rang. She sighed, threw down her book, and went to answer the door.

There was no one there.

She was just about to slam the door closed when she noticed a pink, heart-shaped box lying on the front porch. Surprised, she bent down and picked it up. She pried off the lid and, just as she suspected, discovered that it contained a large array of assorted chocolates.

Eckhart raised an eyebrow. Who in the world would buy her chocolates? She turned the box over, hoping to find a name, but nothing was written there. Shrugging, she picked up a piece of chocolate, unwrapped it, and popped it into her mouth. It was _free_, after all. And quite tasty. She soon found herself eating the chocolates one after the other, without even thinking to stop.

That was until Eckhart began to feel a sickening pain in her abdomen. At first, it just felt like a normal stomachache. But the pain kept getting worse. Her head was beginning to hurt as well; it felt as though her brain would burst through her skull. She dropped the box and cradled her head in her hands as the pain grew more and more unbearable.

Nauseated, Eckhart fell to her knees and retched. Through bleary eyes, she saw that the bile was streaked with blood. Her body felt like it was on fire.

It was then that she noticed a small slip of paper on the ground that had fallen out of the chocolate box. She grabbed it and began to read:

**Happy Valentine's** **Day! **

**Sincerely, **

**Invader Yoru**

**P.s. Hope you like the chocolates! I spiked them with arsenic trioxide just for you!**

**P.p.s. YOU SUCK.**

Eckhart glared down at the note. Poisoned chocolate! _This_ was why she hated Valentine's Day.

"I swear to you, Invader Yoru... I will have my revenge!"

But, of course, Eckhart never got her revenge, because by that time the arsenic had spread throughout her entire body, completely destroying her vital organs. And so, Dietlinde Eckhart died once more.

* * *

I'm really sorry that I haven't updated in so long. I've been pretty busy with schoolwork lately. I'll try to update more often, but I can't make any guarantees. As for the requests, I promise I'll get to work on those. I love all the ideas I've gotten; they're really creative! 

Anyway, happy belated Valentine's Day!


	9. Drugs Are Bad, Mkay?

Wow... I can't believe I'm actually updating; it's been so long! I know I said I'd try to update more and I'm really, really sorry. Please forgive me!

In other news, I got a new pet on Saturday! He's a seven month-old ball python. I named him Envy. He'll be getting his own chapter soon... watch out Eckhart!

The following chapter is dedicated to lost cause. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, McDonald's, or Star Wars.

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Dietlinde Eckhart stood outside her apartment building, violently bashing her head against its brick wall.

Why was she doing this, you ask?

It was actually quite simple. You see, that day she had walked an _excruciatingly long _two blocks to the local McDonald's. She ordered a cheeseburger with everything but pickles.

So what did they give her?

A cheeseburger... _with pickles!_

When she had threatened to murder all of the employees if they did not immediately remove the pickles, they had gotten a restraining order against her.

So now Eckhart continued to wallow in her self-pity, destroying more of her brain cells in the process.

As she did, some random guy approached her.

"Um... why are you hitting your head against that brick wall?" he asked.

"Because my life sucks!" Eckhart wailed. "I WANT MY CHEESEBURGER!"

Random Guy just stared at her, having absolutely no idea what she was talking about. "You know what you need?"

Eckhart sniffed. "What?"

Random Guy held up a joint.

"I don't smoke pot," said Eckhart.

"Then now's a good time to start."

"I don't think–"

Random Guy stuffed the joint in Eckhart's mouth, cutting her off. Reaching into his pocket, he took out a lighter and held its flame to the end of the joint.

Eckhart inhaled deeply. As soon as the smoke filled her lungs, she felt her entire body relax.

Unfortunately for her, she wouldn't be relaxed for long. That was because a tiny, white-hot piece of ash had landed in her hair, promptly causing it to burst into flames.

"AAAAGH! IT BURNS!" Eckhart screeched. She pointed at Random Guy. "PUT THE FUCKING FIRE OUT!"

"Uh, okay!" Random Guy looked around, frantically searching for something that would extinguish the fire. His eyes landed on an iron crowbar. He quickly picked it up and began using it to repeatedly smack Eckhart in the head.

"OW! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MORON?!" screamed Eckhart.

"Putting out the fire!"

"YOU DUNCE, WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU–"

Eckhart was interrupted as the rest of her body was engulfed in flames.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH! HEEELP MEEEEEE!"

Random Guy quickly glanced around. A crowd had gathered to gawk at the burning Nazi woman, and he could hear the sound of approaching sirens in the distance.

Not wanting to be found with a roasting human being and a very valuable stash of marijuana, Random Guy bolted, leaving Eckhart to become a charred mess on the sidewalk. In fact, she greatly resembled Anakin Skywalker after Obi-Wan Kenobi had left him burnt to a crisp on Mustafar.

Unlike Anakin, however, Dietlinde Eckhart did not survive.

END

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Moral of the story: Don't do drugs!


	10. Fun At the Beach

This chapter is for September Rhyme. I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Naruto, or Wikipedia.

* * *

It was a warm, sunny day. Everyone in the military had the day off, due to the fact that Central Headquarters had been completely demolished and was in the process of being rebuilt.

Now, you may be wondering how HQ had been destroyed. Well, let's just say it involved Roy Mustang, a Furby, and a hell of a lot of coffee. But that's another story.

Anyway, in the wake of this well-deserved break, Edward and Alphonse Elric had decided to go to the beach, where they were currently attempting to transmute the world's largest sand castle.

"Okay Al, here it goes!" Ed clapped his hands and pressed them to the sandy surface of the beach. Bright blue sparks surrounded the sand as it shot up fifty feet into the air, forming intricately detailed walls and towers.

When it was finished, Ed stepped back to admire his work.

Unbeknownst to the Elric boys, three figures watched from a short distance away. Who were they, you ask?

They were... the Sand Siblings! OMG!

... Don't ask me how they got there.

The ninja trio looked at the life-sized sand castle that the blond alchemist had created.

Gaara folded his arms across his chest. "Pfft. I could do _so _much better than that," he scoffed, walking away. Temari and Kankuro silently followed.

Oookay then.

While all that was going on, Ed had been bragging about his AMAZING sand castle.

"Well, Al? Isn't it the _greatest _sand castle you've ever seen?"

"It's pretty good," said Al.

Ed was stunned. "Pretty good? What do you mean, _pretty good_?! My sand castle is AWESOME!"

"You forgot the moat."

Ed stared at his creation. Indeed, he had forgotten to include a moat. He quickly remedied that by cutting a ditch around the castle using alchemy, leaving some ground intact to form a bridge. He also connected the ditch to the ocean, allowing it to fill with water.

"That's much better, Brother," commented Al.

Ed grinned evilly. "Maybe we should put some crocodiles in it."

"I'd rather have kitties..."

"You can't put cats in a moat! They don't even like water!"

"What about cat_fish_?"

"Don't be stupid, Al, catfish only live in freshwater."

"That's not true! Some species from Aspredinidae and Bagridae live in saltwater!"

"How the hell do you know that?"

"I read it on Wikipedia."

"What's Wikipedia?"

"..."

"..."

Meanwhile, on another part of the beach, Dietlinde Eckhart was also taking a little vacation.

As she strolled along the shore, she closed her eyes and began to whistle a random tune. For once, she was actually enjoying herself. She loved the warmth of the sun on her skin, the gentle breeze, the crash of the waves, the feel of the soft sand beneath her feet...

Then she tripped and fell face-first into something hot and gooey.

Eckhart's eyes flew open. She was lying in a puddle of a thick, black, foul-smelling liquid. Could it be... tar?!

That's right, kids! Eckhart had fallen into a conveniently placed tar pit!

She struggled to get out, slipping multiple times in the process. By the time she finally managed to free herself from the clutches of the tar pit, she was coated from head to toe in the dark, sticky substance.

Eckhart angrily stormed off in the direction of her house (yes, she lives in Amestris now) to go wash up. Now, she could've just washed the tar off in the ocean, but she didn't think of that because she's stupid.

As she dragged herself across the beach, the sun beat down on her, causing the tar to harden...

**Back with Ed and Al**

"..."

The awkward silence had ensued for well over five minutes. That was until...

"EEEK!" Ed let out a girly shriek and leapt into his younger brother's arms.

"What is it, Brother?" Al asked, concerned.

Then he saw it.

"ZOMFG IT'S A F-IN MONSTA OMG!"

There, not twenty feet away, was the most horrible, grotesque, disgusting, vile creature Edward and Alphonse Elric had ever seen. It stood only about five and a half feet tall, but its hideous features made up for its rather small (but not quite Ed-small) size. Its skin was black and cracked and resembled stone. It also had razor-sharp claws and horns on top of its head.

By now, you, the reader, have probably figured out that this was not actually a monster, but Dietlinde Eckhart (although there really wasn't much of a difference). The black "skin" was just dried, caked-on tar, while the "horns" were merely twigs that had gotten tangled in her hair. As for the "claws"... Eckhart _really _needed to cut her fingernails.

But, thanks to dramatic irony, Ed and Al did not realize this and were completely freaking out.

"AAAAAAAGH!"

"MONSTER!"

"HELP US!"

Al was running in circles, his sobbing brother still in his arms. "OH NO! IT'S COMING CLOSER!" he cried.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!" screamed Ed.

Suddenly, Riza Hawkeye appeared out of nowhere, pistol in hand. She shot the Eckhart-monster fifty-seven times in the head.

"YAY!" Ed and Al cheered, hopping over Eckhart's disfigured corpse and hugging Riza.

And they all lived happily ever after.

END

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I had fun writing that.


	11. Always Bring an Umbrella to the Park

The idea for the following chapter was provided by Bar-Ohki. Hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I don't own _Fullmetal Alchemist._

* * *

It was a beautiful autumn day, and Dietlinde Eckhart had decided to take a stroll in the park. After a while, she sat down on a bench and gazed up at the sky.

That was when something caught her attention.

Craning her neck to get a better view, Eckhart contemplated the identity of the tiny object that glistened metallically in the sunlight. The object that was steadily becoming larger and larger...

Just as realization hit her, so did the UFO (Unidentified _Falling _Object).

Or, more precisely, hit her in the eye.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! FUCK!" screamed Eckhart.

Well, you would scream too if you had a six-inch screw lodged in your eyeball.

Seeing as she was alone in the park and cell phones had not been invented yet, Eckhart had no way to summon help. Thus, she had no choice but to stumble blindly in the direction of the hospital.

The journey was painstakingly slow. Obviously, her left eye was of absolutely no use due to the large piece of metal that had impaled it. Her vision in her right eye was normally fine, but because of the searing pain in her skull, it was obscured by black spots.

Therefore, Eckhart did not notice the small burrow that had been dug into the dirt path that she now walked. As she took a step forward with her right leg, her foot became caught in the hole, causing her to lose her balance and fall flat on her face.

Or, rather, flat on the screw sticking out of her eye socket.

The screw made contact with the hard ground, driving it deep into Eckhart's brain. She gasped for breath and slowly raised her upper body from the dirt path. What she saw in front of her replenished her lost hope. Even with her impaired vision, Eckhart could see it as clear as day.

The hospital!

Just a few more meters, and she would make it.

Eckhart began a lethargic crawl towards her sanctuary, attempting to ignore the terrible, throbbing pain in her head. But it was no use. After moving a mere two feet, she collapsed into the pool of warm blood that had dripped from her wound and breathed no more.

Five days later, Eckhart's rotting corpse was discovered by a group of insane carnies, who chopped it up, boiled it in soup, and ate it.

END

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Hmm... I'm not sure if that last part was disturbing enough. I should try harder.


	12. Animal Intuition

Oh my god. I haven't updated in forever! I'm so sorry! My computer had about a couple thousand viruses on it (no joke- it's completely trashed so I got a new one) and I've been busy with school. But alas, only two more days left! Then I can concentrate on finishing this. If I start procrastinating again, I give everyone reading this permission to slap me... if you can find out where I live.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to stop taking requests, at least until I finish the ones I've already gotten.

Disclaimer: I don't... oh fuck it. If you haven't figured out that I don't own _Fullmetal Alchemist_, please go do the world a favor and jump off a cliff.

Now, on to the story. This one is dedicated to HisokaYukiko.

* * *

Eckhart reclined back in her comfy chair, scanning the newspaper headlines for something interesting. Among them she found "Aliens Sighted in Downtown Berlin Laundromat," "Real-Life Batman Falls to His Death From Ten-Story Building," and "Elephant Escapes From Munich Zoo."

The last one caught her eye. Munich Zoo wasn't that far away from her apartment. She began reading:

_Everything was going smoothly yesterday evening at Munich Zoo. That was until Lulu, the zoo's resident African elephant, charged past her keeper and through the front gates into the unsuspecting city beyond. _

"_It was feeding time. I entered her enclosure as I always do. Then, just when I was about to refill her food dish, she turned around and charged at me," says zookeeper Gretchen Sieghild. "I don't know what's gotten into her. She's usually so calm and loving. She's never shown any signs of aggression before this... I just hope no one gets hurt, including her."_

_Sieghild, to her coworkers' relief and amazement, escaped from the attack completely unscathed. Meanwhile, the location of Lulu remains unknown. Authorities say they are working around the clock to find and capture the renegade elephant._

_If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Lulu, please contact the Munich Police Department. _

"Incompetent fools," muttered Eckhart as she tossed the newspaper onto the oak table in front of her. "It's been nearly a day and they haven't even _found_ the elephant. How hard is it to find an elephant in Munich? Hmph. I bet I could catch it single-handedly."

Eckhart stopped talking to herself and stared blankly at the wall, lost in thought. "Actually... that's not a bad idea."

She could have sworn she heard a voice say "Yes it is!", but dismissed it as merely her imagination.

Walking briskly to her closet, Eckhart donned her "imposing evil dictator" outfit (What the hell's up with those shoulder pads?) and a holster which contained her favorite pistol. Now ready to face anything (in her mind, anyway), she left her apartment to go in search of the runaway elephant.

And, as luck would have it, she didn't have far to go, for as soon as she set foot outside, she came face to face with her quarry. Eckhart paled as Lulu the elephant glowered down at her.

"Um... Nice elephant," said Eckhart, reaching into her holster. "Now hold still so I can shoot you." She aimed her gun and pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.

Confused, she tried again. Still, nothing happened.

_Oh... crap!_ thought Eckhart, realizing that she had left all her spare ammo in her apartment. Her wide-eyed gaze never wavering from the enraged pachyderm, she cautiously took a step backward toward the door and frantically began groping for the handle. After what seemed like an eternity, her hand at last closed around the cool bronze knob. She began to turn it...

And then, suddenly, Lulu seized Eckhart in her trunk and catapulted her into the air, causing the Nazi whore to land with a painful _THUD_ fifty feet away from where she had previously been standing.

"Ow," she groaned as she slowly got to her feet. Ignoring the immense pain coursing through her body, she raised her eyes to look at where the elephant had been... and then really wished she hadn't.

Rearing back onto her hind legs, Lulu trumpeted deafeningly: a battle cry that spoke of Eckhart's impending doom. Then, without hesitation, the elephant charged.

Eckhart's scream caught in her throat as she bolted away from the oncoming pachyderm. She had never run so fast in her entire life. Nor had she ever had to dodge so many obstacles: She leapt over a group of children drawing on the street with chalk, slipped in between a pair of little old ladies, and carefully avoided crashing into a mother and her baby.

Not far behind, Lulu was evading the numerous pedestrians with even more grace and precision than Eckhart had. It wasn't long before she caught up with said psychotic bitch.

Eckhart pushed herself to go faster, but it was no use. In an instant, Lulu had pinned her to the ground. Once again, the furious elephant stood up on her hind legs and gave an earsplitting roar.

"WHY ME?!" cried Eckhart. It was the last thing she said before Lulu's dinner plate-sized feet came down on her head, shattering her skull and splattering her brain onto the pavement.

END

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Go go gadget cork grease! BELIEVE IT!!!


	13. The Piano of Doom

Two updates in a row? OH NOES! It's the apocalypse!

I forgot to mention yesterday that if you submitted a cameo and want to change or update it, please do so soon.

On another note, I found a useless piece of trivia while searching the internet. But it actually relates to this fic, so I guess it's not completely pointless. I found the meaning of Eckhart's name. Let me just say it's pretty ironic. Her first name, Dietlinde, comes from the Germanic name _Þeudelind_, which is derived from the words _þeud_, which means "people," and _linde_, which means "soft, tender." Her last name comes from the pre 7th century Anglo-Saxon name "Erhard," which means "honorable and brave." Let's see: 1) Eckhart hates people. 2) Eckhart is neither soft nor tender. She is a cold-hearted hag. 3) Eckhart is most certainly not honorable or brave. Wow. Her name REALLY doesn't suit her at all.

Hope you enjoyed that.

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Dietlinde Eckhart was serenely taking a stroll down an uncrowded street. As she turned a corner, she found herself face to face with a large crane. Attached to the crane, hanging about five feet off the ground, was a grand piano. Eckhart turned her head, surveying the area. No one was around.

It was then that she noticed a red "X" painted on the sidewalk directly underneath the piano. Having not yet had her morning coffee, she didn't find it in the least bit suspicious and moved closer to get a better look.

It was a rather lovely piano. The wood was a smooth, dark mahogany, its intricate swirls glinting in the sunlight. A piano that beautiful had to have cost a fortune.

A plan was beginning to form within the inner workings of Eckhart's mind. Lately, the Thule Society had been short on money...

Pulling some rope out of her pocket, Eckhart stepped beneath the piano and began fastening the rope to the wooden legs. She was so preoccupied with her task that she didn't notice a pair of oddly-dressed girls walk past her and into the crane.

Eckhart finished tying up the legs of the piano. Now all she had to do was get a ladder so she could reach the rest of it. Just as this thought crossed her mind, however, the piano began to rise high into the air. Startled, she glanced up at the "empty" crane. One of the girls, a tall teen with shoulder-length blond hair and glasses, waved at her through the window.

_Shit! _thought Eckhart. _My plan has been foiled! I should probably get out of here. _But as she tried to take a step away from the scene of the crime, she found that her feet were stuck to the sidewalk.

"What the?!" Eckhart stared down at the "X" beneath her feet. She bent down to examine the marking more closely. It looked like ordinary paint, but just to make sure, she gingerly pressed a fingertip to the scarlet concrete...and found that it, like her feet, were stuck. There could be only one explanation.

"SUPERGLUE?!" shrieked Eckhart. "WHO THE HELL PUTS SUPERGLUE ON A SIDEWALK?!"

"We do!" the other girl, who was not as tall as the first and sported short black and blond locks, called down cheerfully from the crane. "Bye-bye, Nazi whore!"

"**EXCUSE ME?!** HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME WITH SUCH INSOLENCE! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I AM DIETLINDE ECKHART! ALL WILL BOW TO MY–"

Suddenly, there was a loud _CRASH _and a horrible noise that sounded as though every key on the piano had been pressed all at once.

The two girls hopped out of the crane to admire their handiwork. What had once been a beautiful musical instrument was now in ruins. Blood was slowly oozing from in between the splintered planks of wood.

The taller girl sighed and shook her head sadly. "Waste of a good piano."

END

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Hey peoples! If you hate Eckhart (which I know you do, because otherwise you wouldn't be reading this), then join the Anti Thule Society, a group created for the sole purpose of despising Eckhart! For more info, please check out my profile, as I'm much too lazy to explain it all here. Thanks!


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